My friends, throughout the campaign, John "McNuggets" McCain has said repeatedly that he knows how to find Osama Bin Laden, and when he is president, he WILL find Osama Bin Laden. My source, who prefers to remain anonymous unless there are copious quantities of bourbon involved, has given me a piece of McCain letterhead with lots of pencil-drawn doodles on it and a hand scrawled list. Above the list is a title: Top 10 Ways to Find Osama Bin Laden.
My assumption is that every time the word "I" or "me" appears, it refers to McCain himself. Here is the list.
- Make a video tape, with me disguised as Bin Laden. In the video I'll say, "I am Osama Bin Laden, and I am dead. Everyone go away." He will come out to prove he is alive.
- Ask Wal Mart to hold a Big and Tall Turban Sale.
- Invite him to an Obama family reunion in Virginia.
- Conduct a massive SPAM campaign, using the headline, "Sell Your Time Share Cave Now."
- Move that biker beauty contest from Sturgis to Pakistan. When Bin Laden comes out to gawk at Cindy in her t-back, grab him.
- Bomb Tora Bora back to the stone age (note to self: it appears someone has already done this).
- Offer him free AOL for life if he gives up immediately.
- Hundreds of small prop planes pulling signs (like at the beach) that say, "Hey Obama, how about putting Country First, you meathead you!"
- Direct mail campaign offer to every household along the Pakistan/
Iraq/Afghanistan border offering great deal on Time/Life series: "Best Places to Bomb in America."
- Free seats to a Letterman taping, including transportation and lodging (for life).